“What’s the best way to deal with a socially awkward person who wants to keep talking to you, but you no longer want to talk to him/her? (You don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings.)”
-Bob

The short answer:

Be brutally honest.

The long answer:

So here’s the situation: There’s this person that you’re mildly acquainted with that doesn’t like talking to people, often fails to make eye contact, says things sort of out of context, and doesn’t seem to have many friends. You’ve known other people like this before, and it’s been no big deal. Occasionally you’ve found out that they’re actually pretty interesting people, if a bit quirky, but most of the time you simply coexist with them in a manner that’s not exactly friendly but is certainly at least cordial.

But with this person, it’s different. They seem to have taken an unnatural interest in you that they don’t really exhibit towards other people. As Jerry Seinfeld once put it, “You see them. You don’t really want to see them. You don’t call them. They call you. You don’t call back. They call again.” And on some level, you feel that they’re probably just trying to be friendly, and is that really so bad? After all, you are a pretty awesome person, if you do say so yourself. But on another level, you really don’t want to be their friend. It’s not that you despise them or anything, you just don’t particularly like them. What do you do?

This has happened to me a number of times, and it has never ended well. How then do I feel qualified to give advice on this subject? Easy. I’m the socially awkward person.

Yes, it’s true. Somewhere behind this oh so elegant prose is someone who feels totally uncomfortable around more than a handful of people. The last time I had dinner with a bunch of people, I said one word the entire meal (“cashew”). The last time I was at a party, I examined a chair for two hours.

Somewhere there’s a break in the understanding. “Normal” people, who will henceforth be known as “guinea pigs,” don’t really understand how we introverts, who will henceforth be known as “hamsters,” think. So here’s the secret, for those of you taking notes: hamsters think in the same was as guinea pigs do. The only difference is that hamsters don’t rely as much on being around other rodents for stimulation. As such, they just don’t interact as well around others.

What does that mean? It means that you shouldn’t think that someone like me doesn’t understand what kinds of emotions people have, just because I don’t seem to talk that much. It means that you shouldn’t think that someone like me doesn’t understand that there are social conventions, just because I’m not that good at following them.

So now you as a guinea pig are faced with a persistent hamster. What do you do? First, let me tell you what not to do, because it is probably your first instinct. Do not ignore them and hope that they just go away. This will not work. Why?

Here is what a guinea pig might think upon being ignored: “Wow, this guy keeps ignoring me. They must really not like me, so I’ll leave them alone.” Very reasonable.

Here is what a hamster might think upon being ignored: “Wow, this guy keeps ignoring me. Maybe they really don’t like me. Then again, I’m not very good in social situations, so maybe I just don’t understand what’s going on. Maybe they’re just out doing normal guinea pig things, like hanging out with their numerous guinea pig friends, while I’m sitting around doing hamster things, like running around on this wheel, or writing my blog. They probably just forgot about me with all the chaos in their lives. It’s understandable. And guinea pigs like to talk, so they’d tell me if they wanted me to go away, right? Maybe I should just call them and find out…”

This might not seem like a reasonable reaction, but let’s face it. Hamsters don’t spend a lot of time with other rodents, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need friends. Unfortunately, it’s a lot harder for them to make friends than it is for guinea pigs, so if they think they’ve got a chance to make one, they’re going to try pretty hard. A little too hard sometimes.

So what should you do instead? Just be honest. One fear is that they won’t understand that it’s not that you hate them to the core of your being, you just don’t want to be friends. They will. If anything, they know better than you do what it’s like not to dislike someone, but just not to like them. The other fear is that this will be the most ridiculously awkward conversation of your life. But let’s face it, every conversation you have with this person is awkward, so just go for it. (And remember that it’s only awkward if you think it’s awkward.)

So take it seriously, and do it right, in person if possible. Have a real conversation. Don’t make excuses; it can only make things more confusing. They know as well as you do that some people just aren’t meant to be friends. As long as you explain yourself and make sure they understand, sure, they might be hurt for a little while, but they’ll get over it. It beats trying to talk to someone over and over again and never getting a response.

And try not to feel bad about it yourself either. Life goes on.

Cheers,